We erase mistakes. We delete irrelevant material. We edit out unimportant points.
But have you ever been erased by someone?
If you’ve ever spoken up and said, “That hurts. Please stop.” And the other person says, “I didn’t do anything! What is your problem? You are such a whiner.”
You’ve been erased.
If you’ve ever said, “I believe such and such.” And the other person says, “What a joke! Seriously? Are you stupid, or what? No thinking person believes that.”
You’ve been erased.
If you’ve ever said, “Could I do this or that?” And the other person says, “No. You can’t. I will decide what is best for you.”
You’ve been erased.
If you’ve ever said, “I’d like to buy this gift for so-and-so.” And the other person says, “They will HATE that gift. Why would you ever think anyone would like that?”
You’ve been erased.
If you’ve ever said, “Could you do this for me?” And the other person says, “Why would you ask such a thing? I always do that. Do you think I don’t? How ungrateful. I do and do for you – and you just take it all for granted.”
You’ve been erased.
If you’ve ever said, “I just can’t do this anymore.” And the other person says, “Why not? Am I supposed to do it, then? I’ve already got a lot on my plate. You expect an awful lot of me. I’m always picking up the pieces for you. Can’t you hold anything together?”
You’ve been erased.
If you’ve ever said, “I need help. Will someone listen?” And the other person says, “How do you know that what you think is happening, really is happening? You could be making assumptions. You could be exaggerating. You could be making a big deal out of nothing.”
You’ve been erased.
If you’ve ever said, “This bad thing happened to me.” And the other person says, “That happens to a lot of people. And what happened to you is nothing compared to what happens to others. Get over it.”
You’ve been erased.
If you’ve ever said, “This person keeps hurting me, and I don’t know how much more I can take.” And the other person says, “But you hurt them, too. Stop pointing the finger. Maybe if you’d stop bugging them, they’d stop hurting you.”
You’ve been erased.
If you’ve ever said, “I’m tired of being used and discarded.” And the other person says, “I’ve got some Bible verses for you. Memorize them and be happy.”
You’ve been erased.
When you mean nothing to someone or to a group of people, they will erase you the minute you try to appear with anything that demonstrates your realness and your humanity. Your existence as a person made in the image of God. To them, you are a non-person. You exist only to be consumed and abandoned.
When you are erased, you panic. You fight for oxygen. You may drop and curl up into an invisible ball. You may try to run away. You may stand and fight to be seen and heard. Or you may do all three at different times.
But when this happens, you instinctively know you are being attacked in the very core of your being. This is where the enemy wants to attack you. In your personhood. Because you image the enemy’s Arch Enemy, and he will stop at nothing to annihilate you.
I know what it’s like to be erased. To be erased by someone I tried for so long to trust but also to be erased by an entire group of people caught up in “group-think.” Because that’s another way to get erased. Stand up in a group and say, “The emperor doesn’t have any clothes on!” They will hastily scramble to grab their erasers and do what they do best.
The enemy hates the truth. Really, it’s not so much YOU that must be erased. It’s the truth. And if you are speaking the truth, it must be erased by those who don’t want to see or hear it. When you are surrounded by unhealthy individuals who are unable to deal with the truth, it can make you unhealthy as well. That toxicity begins to seep into your soul, poisoning your mind and body. This is not God’s plan for your life. The book of Proverbs speaks over and over to how we need to view and deal with unhealthy people.
If you’ve been erased in your life, you long to be seen and understood. Consider joining the Flying Free Sisterhood, full of women of faith who see and know how debilitating it is to be erased day after day. You’ll also have access to courses, expert workshops, and weekly coaching that will teach you how to live in the truth of how God sees you and what He truly says about you. Learn more!
I also recommend the book Safe People by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. And when you’ve read that book, read Boundaries by the same authors. Read them in that order. They will change the way you look at this issue.
They will teach you how to handle Erasers.
The Comments
Jennifer
There is so much I could share here about this. But it’s my parents that stings the most. I’m an artist and writer and I’ve always loved it but felt my parents thought I was untalented due to their lack of interest. They don’t ask me about my art. They don’t ask me about my writing. I bring it up or share an art piece and it’s ignored. Seriously….what the hell? I don’t get it. We have a family friend and she has been my biggest supporter. But she makes my parents look bad.
Their silence when it comes to my passions and talent have made me question that very talent my whole life!! Now? Now I see it for myself, no more need for external validation for me to chase after my dreams! If they ever say anything, it will be “extra”, but no more going to a dry well, hoping for water.
Natalie Hoffman
→ JenniferThat can be so, so hard – I’m sorry, Jennifer! 🙁 I hope you can continue to be your own biggest cheerleader (along with your family friend!)
-Aimee, Flying Free Community Support
Alyssa Plunkett
I read Created To Be His Helpmeet by Debbie Pearl and stayed for nearly 13 years, used “switches” on my poor babies and now I’m 7 years out with 5 children.
The court is not a justice system and my children are still used as pawns. I’ve researched a ton and I’m so grateful for ministries like yours that offer sound and up to date information on a spiritual level. There is nothing else like this anywhere I’ve looked with cutting edge knowledge within any ministry. Thank you so much for doing what you do Natalie!
Rebecca
Thank you, for your work.
I am a mom of three grown children, and 3 grandchildren. I feel U am being erased piece by piece after a 20 year battle with my husband. Of course, the narcissist didn’t show up until a year after we were married, and then after an illness. He continuously told me I was worthless and shouldn’t even want to live. My stepfather the same-he hated me because I looked like my father. And was his favorite, reportedly. My siblings had a growing dislike for me too, which I didn’t understand, at first.
Now, my mother in law, reportedly, told everyone to stick to a certain story regarding the divorce I finally asked for, making it my fault.
Its funny how when people disregard and disrespect you, it seems to be contagious. Only my eldest son has remained in contact, and I’m not allowed to have contact alone with my granddaughter. I still don’t know why, except that I spoke up when her mom was out of line.
I remain very close to Christ, and delve into his word often, hoping for wisdom and understanding. As much as I want to curse these people, I won’t carry that on to further generations.
Be well on this Thanksgiving day.
Melinda
My family talks to each other like I’m not even there.
I was interested in geneaology for years because I was adopted. My family never wanted to hear it. Even acted offended. But now my adopted mother and sister are doing it. Never included me. Talks all around me. It feels like a punch. And everything I was interested in, my adopted sister is now interested. It comes across as invasive. I feel violated. It’s just weird to hear her talk. Hard to explain.
Corrine A Macdonald
→ MelindaIs happening to me , and happened really badly in past whole working as a registered nurse, I was targeted in a very bad way abused and blamed
Sarah Winkle
→ MelindaMelinda, your reaction makes perfect sense to me. I’m sorry your family treats you that way.
Nacole
Thank you for this!
Susan
Oh my this brings back way too many memories from my abusive marriage. Flash backs
Jodi Sorter
I have been in an abusive marriage for 25 years and have ten children (4 grown, 6 @ home), homeschooled always, and my husband is in full time ministry. My husband, I believe (after finally decided to research last year) has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, does truly does love Christ though and wants desperately to be a good husband and father. He still has cycles. Still can be daily very hard to live with, and even emotionally crushing toward me and some of the kids. There will be “breakthroughs” during the euphoric sly sweet and tender sides of the abuse cycle, and then hell invades again. I recently shared on Facebook an article about patriarchy and porn having a similar foundation or something and a wonderfully sweet and strong friend of mine write a blog post to refute the author of the article I posted. On FB she said “friends were being deceived”, probably referring to me. I think my deception was prior to now. After last year when I yanked my suicidal head out of the proverbial sand and decided it was time to learn about mental disorders and that it wasn’t all my fault that he had to abuse me in every way thinkable (early years), I no longer feel near as scared, disabled, confused, fragile, etc. I have lost 30 lbs, and have been going for walks and even played some sports a few times. Dh’s head seems to be spinning, but he actually says he is proud of me. (I have a hard time feeling like he won’t soon throw a wrench in it though.)
Anyway, my porpoise in writing, is to see if any of you, with more cognitive abilities that I, can sweetly reply to her. She doesn’t understand and I don’t want to make her because it would be too painful to me have to tell all the gory details. Thank you all and please keep us in prayer.
Here is the link to her blog:
http://gidgetsgazette.blogspot.com/2016/08/a-church-in-crisis-indeed_18.html?spref=fb&m=1
PS. My name is an alias, sorry.
Cindy Burrell
Thank you, again, for your words of sweet validation – and empowerment.
The truth is powerful, even if other people are unwilling to see it. The hard part is rejecting the lies and standing up even in the face of coercion, cultural correctness or potential rejection. But it still needs to be done.
Rebecca
→ Cindy BurrellIndeed, it is freeing, and challenges ones resolve, but it must be done. I am doing it now..so difficult, but for sanity’s sake, and my health, I must take my life back.
My son always said “die trying”. I agree.
Blessings over you.
laura
corrie ten boom……
she has a lot to say….. both men and women try to “erase” others.
My deepest concern goes to the far left…..
laura
I have a cousin who “erased” me. Basically a blocking on facebook. I will not work with the family she grew up within any longer…..because they praise HER bad behaviour!
Basically, it went something like this. I give her a dollar store bible…. Nothing out of the ordinary. I expect she would appreciate it because she grew up in a “christian” home. It is along with a decent gift for a baby shower. A t-shirt that is basically secular in nature (eagles). Yes, she has a medical condition…..but I also have a cancer friend who died and PRAISED JESUS….never married…..and had a joyful spirit!
She doesn’t have to “like” bible stuff…..but her reaction says a lot about her character.
If the eagle shirt bothered her…..well, then I don’t need to hear any more far-left verbal abuse from her or her family.
I know enough about Jesus through my cancer friend who was never married and never gave birth!
Wayfare Rose
I would add bringing up a topic to someone and immediately having the subject changed. All the time. Feels like I’m just a person who gets talked at rather than ever truly listened to. Now I don’t trust anybody to actually care about me enough such that I could talk my real feelings. At least not the people around me.
Erased. Invisible. Ignored. That’s how I feel. Though I think my case is emotional neglect/incompetence rather than all-out psychopathic abuse. It’s too subtle. It’s mediocrity rather than stark good or evil and I don’t know how to deal with that.
Natalie Klejwa
→ Wayfare RoseI’m so sorry. I know exactly what you are going through. There is an excellent book coming out soon that talks about this hidden type of abuse. I will be reviewing it on this blog when it comes out. Stay tuned!
Sally
I have to admit, that I erased my husband in different ways..not knowing what i was doung because I was un my own despair in our marriage. Three years ago he asked said he wanted a divorce. He has led me on..and has erased me for 3 years..now he is stepping up the energy to get divorced. I have repented, asked for forgiveness, have worked very hard to xgange myself, to step up to the plate for restoration of our marriage..he refuses. I feel erased and shredded for the recycling bin everyday…and I own that because I keep looking for approval affirmation and affection from a man who cant stand me. . I can only get my worth and value from God…yet i miss my husband so much.
Steph
Wow! You described the past three years for me. My serially unfaithful, narcissistic husband of two decades left in January (he has another woman, yet again). He admitted that he had decided he was done with me three years ago and had been planning the divorce for over a year. All of this while still playing innocent, good husband before the rest of the world. I have felt like I was being systematically erased for years. Even coming to the point of crying while hiding in the closet, never sleeping soundly, and despairing of life. Being erased is in this manner nearly led to my death, especially because he insisted on keeping loaded pistols around inspite of my emotions. By the grace of God and with a gracious church, I am being restored and holding my head up for the first time in years.
Going through all of this has alerted me to the fact that I, at times, (though with no evil intention) erase my kids’ thoughts and ideas too quickly. I am trying to become more alert to that.
By the way, I could have rid myself of the problem a decade ago rather than it coming to this point, but I read Help-Meet and tried desperately to do everything right to get my heavenly marriage. All it did was feed my abuser’s ego and justify his sinful demands, making me more subdued prey.
Natalie Klejwa
→ StephAugh! I really believe that book is a tool of the devil. So many lies and half-truths embedded in those pages. Only eternity will reveal the massive devastation in thousands of lives. I’m glad you got out, even though it was such a painful experience. God set you free – and now you have support. That is wonderful. I pray you will fully heal from the narcissistic abuse you have suffered.
Pauline
→ Natalie KlejwaTim Challies writes an excellent review of Pearl’s scary book.
Terri
→ StephThe Pearl books advise an extreme, unhealthy, and frankly artificial way of relating to your spouse in marriage. They sprinkle in Bible verses that have been shallowly studied and are taken out of context and ignore multitudes of relevant verses that don’t support their points.
I don’t like to single out people or books for critique in this way, but these authors and these books are based on so much ignorance and are terribly, terribly damaging, especially to women and children. (Their parenting methods can be just as abusive as their marriage advice. Please, please look elsewhere. “Parenting With Love and Logic” is much healthier.)