Fear.
That tightness in your chest. The racing heart. The sinking feeling in your gut that something—anything—could go wrong.
If you’re a Christian woman recovering from emotional or spiritual abuse, fear probably feels like an old frenemy: always hanging around, offering unwanted advice, and eating up your peace like it’s free samples at Costco.
You’re not crazy.
You’re not weak.
And you’re definitely not alone.
In fact, fear is one of the most common emotional patterns I see in women healing from abuse. And for good reason—your nervous system has spent years learning that you weren’t safe.
But here’s the beautiful truth: fear doesn’t get the final say.
You do.
In this post, we’re going to unpack what fear really is, how to tell when it’s helping you versus hurting you, and most importantly—how to gently take your power back and walk in peace again.
What Is Fear (and Why Does It Show Up So Much After Abuse?)
Let’s start with the basics.
Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat.
It’s your brain saying, “Something’s wrong. We might get hurt. BE ALERT.”
Now sometimes, fear is absolutely justified. We call this clean fear. You’re driving in a snowstorm? Clean fear tells you to slow down and focus. You hear a sketchy noise behind you in a parking lot? Clean fear sharpens your awareness and tells you to act.
God gave you this kind of fear for your protection. It’s like a built-in alarm system designed to keep you alive.
But other times? Fear gets a little… overzealous.
Enter: dirty fear.
Dirty fear is what happens when your brain tries to protect you from things that aren’t actually dangerous—but feel like they are because of past trauma.
Let me give you an example. Maybe you’re lying in bed, finally trying to rest, when suddenly your heart starts pounding and your stomach flips. Your brain starts whispering:
“Something might be wrong with one of the kids.”
“You forgot something important.”
“You’re failing. Again.”
That’s not God warning you of disaster. That’s your brain replaying old survival scripts—ones it learned in the chaos of abuse.
Why Fear Feels So Loud After Emotional and Spiritual Abuse
If you’ve been in an emotionally or spiritually abusive relationship, your body has spent years living in survival mode. You’ve probably experienced:
- Gaslighting
- Chronic criticism
- Religious guilt and manipulation
- Walking on eggshells constantly
So your nervous system got the message: “I am not safe.”
Even after the relationship ends, that belief doesn’t just disappear. Your brain and body are still wired for hypervigilance. You scan the future for danger. You replay the past. You worry. You fear. Because somewhere deep down, you believe:
“If I stay alert, maybe I can prevent the next disaster.”
It’s exhausting. And it’s also 100% normal.
But friend, just because fear shows up doesn’t mean you have to let it drive.
The Two Types of Fear: Clean vs. Dirty
Let’s go a little deeper here, because recognizing the type of fear you’re experiencing is the first step to healing.
Clean Fear
This is fear grounded in reality. It’s rooted in the present moment and often shows up as a gut instinct. It might sound like:
- “This person makes me feel uneasy, and I don’t know why.”
- “I feel unsafe walking alone here.”
- “Something about this situation feels off.”
This kind of fear is a gift from God. It’s your intuition—your discernment—telling you to pay attention.
DO listen to it.
DO NOT gaslight yourself about it.
Dirty Fear
This fear is based in imagination, not reality. It usually sounds like:
- “What if I mess everything up?”
- “I’ll never be okay again.”
- “Something bad is going to happen.”
- “I’ll be alone forever.”
Dirty fear wants to keep you stuck in the land of “what if.” It’s sneaky. And it’s often tied to a core belief like:
“I’m not safe. I’m not loved. I’m not enough.”
The key here? Dirty fear isn’t trying to hurt you—it’s trying to protect you using outdated programming.
How to Heal from Fear After Abuse: A Step-by-Step Process
Here’s a gentle, practical framework you can use whenever fear shows up and tries to take the wheel:
1. Pause and Notice
You feel fear in your body first. That pit in your stomach? The tightness in your chest? It’s your body talking.
Pause and ask:
- “What am I feeling right now?”
- “Where do I feel it in my body?”
Naming it calms the nervous system.
2. Identify the Thought
Behind every fear is a thought. It might be something like:
“I’m a bad mom.”
“I’ll be rejected.”
“God is disappointed in me.”
Write it down. Get it out of your head and onto paper.
3. Ask: Is This a Real Threat?
Use this simple question: “Is this happening right now?”
If it’s not? You’re likely dealing with dirty fear.
4. Explore What Fear Is Protecting You From
Here’s a truth bomb: Most of the time, we’re not afraid of the event. We’re afraid of the emotion we’ll have to feel if it happens.
Examples:
- Fear of rejection? → Fear of loneliness.
- Fear of failure? → Fear of shame.
- Fear of losing someone? → Fear of grief.
What you’re really afraid of is feeling.
And guess what? You can survive feelings. (Even the really hard ones.)
5. Reclaim Your Power With Love
The Bible says perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). That doesn’t mean fear disappears overnight. It means that love is stronger.
When fear screams, “You’re not safe,”
Love whispers, “You’re held.”
When fear says, “You’ll be alone,”
Love reminds you, “I’ll never leave you.”
When fear says, “You’re too broken,”
Love affirms, “You’re still worthy.”
Final Thoughts: Fear Doesn’t Mean You’re Failing
Friend, fear doesn’t mean you’re not healed enough.
It doesn’t mean you’re not faithful enough.
It doesn’t mean you’re doing life wrong.
It means you’re human.
A human who’s survived trauma, and is learning to live again.
So the next time fear knocks, instead of slamming the door or inviting it to redecorate your entire mental space—just say:
“I see you. I hear you. But I’m safe now. And God’s got this.”
Take a breath. Let your body rest. Let your heart remember the truth:
You are not alone. You are not powerless. You are not doomed.
You are a woman of faith, rising from the ashes, reclaiming her life one brave, trembling step at a time.
And that, my friend, is exactly what fear didn’t expect.
