Welcome back, butterflies! In this episode, I’m joined once again by my friend and fellow coach, Diana Swillinger. We’re diving into the second part of an important topic today: Can we gaslight ourselves?
Gaslighting is usually something done to us—manipulation that makes us question our reality. But what happens when we internalize it? When we start running the script on autopilot and doubting ourselves before anyone else even gets a chance? Buckle up, because our Kaleidoscope members had some thoughts on this, and we’re breaking it all down.
Key Takeaways:
- Idealizing Others – When we believe that if we just act a certain way, that person will finally approve of us? That’s a trap.
- Believing the Unbelievable – Sometimes, we’re so conditioned to believe our abuser isn’t lying that we ignore all the red flags. It’s like trying to finish a puzzle when someone keeps hiding the pieces. Maddening, right?
- Giving Away Our Credibility – We assume the other person must be right and know better than us. Newsflash: That’s not always true.
- Agreeing Against Our Gut – You ever nod along while every fiber of your being screams, Nope, not true!?
- Over-Spiritualizing – Just because someone prays about something doesn’t mean their actions magically become good. Intentions don’t equal truth.
- Minimizing Abuse – “Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing.” Nope, friend. If it feels bad, it is bad. Maybe even worse than bad.
- How Faith Can Condition Us – Ever been told you’re “thinking evil” just because you question something? That’s not faith. That’s control.
Related Resources:
- Listen to Part One of this two-part series.
- Love Diana as much as I do? Check out some MORE Flying Free episodes with her! “The Importance of Empathy for Yourself,” “How to Change Yourself While Stuck in an Emotionally Abusive Marriage,” “Parallel Parenting Part One,” and “Parallel Parenting Part Two.”
- Go over to Diana’s website.
- Take some time to listen to Diana’s podcast, The Renew Your Mind Podcast.
- Say hi to Diana on Facebook and Instagram.
Diana Swillinger is a life and business coach, host of The Renew Your Mind Podcast, and founder of the Renew Your Mind Institute Coach Training. After decades of trying to please God, be a good person and do the right thing, she ended up exhausted and discouraged. Desperate for a solution, Diana went back to school, joined personal development programs, and more, then took what she learned and created mind renewal tools that let her love life in every situation no matter what comes her way. Over the past five years, she has empowered thousands of women with those same tools to heal themselves, get back to who God created them to be, and build a life they love.
Are You Gaslighting Yourself? How to Break Free from This Toxic Pattern
Let’s talk about gaslighting. We all know that abusers use it to manipulate, confuse, and control their victims. But what if I told you that sometimes, we gaslight ourselves? I know—it sounds like a terrible plot twist in the already-too-complicated novel of your life, but stick with me.
Gaslighting yourself doesn’t mean you’re intentionally out to confuse and manipulate your own brain (because, honestly, who has the time?). Rather, it’s a learned survival mechanism, often born from years of actual gaslighting at the hands of toxic parents, spouses, or church leaders. If you’ve ever doubted your own reality, rewritten history to make an abuser look better, or minimized your own pain, parts of you might be unintentionally playing the role of your own gaslighter.
What Does Self-Gaslighting Look Like?
Self-gaslighting is sneaky, and it often shows up in ways that seem completely normal. Here are some common examples:
- Idealizing the Other Person – You convince yourself that if you just act the right way, they’ll finally approve of you. (Spoiler alert: They won’t.)
- Giving Them Credibility They Haven’t Earned – You know they’re lying, but you tell yourself, They didn’t mean it or Maybe I misunderstood. Meanwhile, the puzzle pieces never quite fit together, do they?
- Agreeing When You Know It’s a Lie – You tell yourself, Maybe they’re right, and I am too sensitive. That little voice inside you screams LIES! but you push it down because it’s just easier that way.
- Defending Yourself to Someone Who Has No Intention of Believing You – Ever found yourself drafting a long, well-thought-out email to someone trying to prove you’re not the terrible person they say you are? Yeah. Been there. It’s like trying to negotiate with a toddler mid-tantrum.
- Over-Spiritualizing the Situation – God wants me to stay and suffer because suffering makes me holy. Listen, suffering isn’t a competition, and God isn’t handing out gold stars to the most miserable person in the room.
- Minimizing and Blaming Yourself – Instead of acknowledging the abuse, you say, Maybe I’m just overreacting or I should be more patient. No, girl. You should be treated with respect.
Why Do We Do This to Ourselves?
Self-gaslighting is often a trauma response. When you’ve been conditioned to believe that questioning authority is bad and that conflict is dangerous, your brain does what it has to do to keep you safe.
For many women, this conditioning starts in childhood. Maybe you grew up in a home where questioning your parents meant getting punished, or perhaps you were taught in church that your heart was deceitful in nature, and would always lead you down the slippery slope to perdition. By the time you ended up in an abusive marriage, you were already primed to distrust your own thoughts and feelings.
It’s no wonder so many of us spent years believing we were the problem.
How to Stop Self-Gaslighting
The good news? You don’t have to live like this forever. Here’s how you can start breaking free:
1. Recognize When You’re Doing It
Pay attention to the thoughts running through your mind. If you hear yourself excusing abusive behavior, questioning your own memories, or trying to justify someone’s mistreatment of you—pause. Ask yourself, Would I say this to my daughter or to a friend? If the answer is no, stop saying it to yourself.
2. Validate Your Own Reality
If you feel hurt, it’s because something hurt you. You don’t need permission from an abuser (or anyone else) to validate your feelings. Your pain is real. Your experiences are real. Period.
3. Replace Lies with Truth
Every time you catch yourself thinking, Maybe I’m just being dramatic, replace it with, No, I’m responding to a real problem. If you think, Maybe they didn’t mean to hurt me, remind yourself that intentions don’t erase impact.
4. Surround Yourself with Truth-Tellers
You know who isn’t going to gaslight you? Other survivors who get it. This is why communities like Flying Free exist—to help you see the truth when you’ve been conditioned to doubt yourself. If you need a place where you’re actually safe to process what’s happening, we’ve got your back.
5. Rebuild Trust with Yourself
One of the most damaging effects of gaslighting is that it makes you doubt yourself. Start rebuilding trust by making small decisions based on your instincts, not what someone else says. And when you get it right? Celebrate it.
Moving Toward the Light
Self-gaslighting may have been a survival mechanism, but what if you’re ready to go from surviving to thriving? It’s possible to move toward healing, truth, and freedom. It’s time to stop doubting yourself and start listening to that inner voice—the one that’s been trying to get your attention all along.
And if you need help navigating this journey, the Flying Free Kaleidoscope education and support community is here for you. No more questioning your reality. No more apologizing for existing. You deserve the truth, and you deserve freedom.
Now go forth, stop gaslighting yourself, and claim the life you were meant to live. And if you need a solid group of truth-tellers to back you up, we’re waiting for you to join your sister butterflies in the Kaleidoscope today!
